Nice to meet you. A peek into my ADHD brain.

May 13, 2020

Here we go again. Didn’t think I would be back to writing anytime soon. I guess I am. No technicality, no readings, nothing academic or professional. Pas de Regtech Book this time. Personal. Personal read by thousands. Ok, overestimating it. Hundreds. Tens. Only one? You know what? I don’t care. It’s funny how life can be sometimes. One day you think you have it all figured out and the day after it’s chaos. Mine has always been chaos. A beautiful chaos. I love chaos. I thrive in chaos. I enjoy it. My comfort zone is being outside of my comfort zone. I never wanted to change that. Do I really have to? I think I know what is going on. Maybe I don’t. Actually, I do. No wait, nevermind. Yup, this is how it is. Didn’t make sense? Yeah me too. And this doesn’t even represent half of it. My brain never stops. It is a constant rave with rainbow lights, about 10,000 people dancing, others jumping out of airplanes while playing Mario Kart on flying televisions with Ben Clock playing in the background. Wtf? Yeah Wtf. I love raves. But certainly not this kind. Burning man, Elon Musk, rockets. Ok stop. And yet, throughout the years, I found my comfort in it. I started dancing and playing Mario Kart with my thoughts and had so much fun that I forgot myself in the process. Jumping out of a plane is so cool, you should try it. Without a parachute tho. Adds to the thrill. Adrenaline. I love it. It’s easier for me to control. At least, this is what I thought. Reality is, I had it all wrong. See a couple of days ago, I found out I had ADD. Do I? Still doubting. From a simple conversation. How? Usually, I am extremely well put when speaking to people. Ok fine, it depends. Sometimes I can have a hard time expressing myself, or making my ideas come across. Very often I can talk super mega fast. I forget to breathe. “Soumaya, breathe”. “Chill out”. You chill out. I don’t need to. Lol. Ideas rush into my head so fast that I have a hard time expressing them. It’s awkward. I forget my words. Fuck. It’s here. Wait, I know exactly what I want to say. Why is it coming out wrong? Fuck. It all makes sense in my head!!! But here’s the thing the other person is not in my head. Get it together man. You are so stupid. Why can’t you just talk normally. Why do you have to be so weird? Why did I say that? Noooo. Turn it into a joke. Haha I am just dumb. I don’t know what I am saying. Time machine. Please. This is going to haunt me forever. It often does. But not forever. Just for a few hours, a few days and then it comes back randomly in the shower 10 years later. And that feeling is the worst. Shame. OMG. Make it stop. It’s unbearable. It’s awful. I hate it. I can’t. Need to think about something else. Read a book. Ugh boring. I can never read a book from cover to cover. Finished only a few. Can count them on my hands. Yep, that little. Shame. Saying it now. Ouf. Relieved. But do not get me wrong. I read. But here’s how I read: I start a book and give it 2 hours. I either finish it during those 2 hours or I know I never will. Maybe I will come back to it in a month or 2. I still try tho. It’s interesting. I just skip a few chapters. Come back to it later. Forget where I am at. Somehow, I always manage to get the best out of it. Only the knowledge I need. No more. I will let you in on a secret. I have never done any of my academic readings. None. Nada. Zero. And yet, I was the best at writing reports, summaries, essays. Top grades. Minimum time spent. Hell yeah. I am probably a genius. Nope I am not. I am lazy as fuck, so I just find the short-cuts. There are everywhere. You just need to look. The world is your oyster. Not sure why I said that. Nevermind. Let’s talk about movies. Wow. I love movies. But man, good luck getting me to watch one from start to end without any other distraction. I hate going to the cinema. Most of the time, I fall asleep or I am just bored to death. JK, I can’t fall asleep, because I am still curious to see what is happening. FOMO. I can’t miss it. Oh, that FOMO feeling. Everything. No way. I have to be everywhere. A party without me? No way. Nope. Not happening. Not a party. Cancelled. I wish. Lol. Wouldn’t be fun without me. I love being around people. People love being around me. Sometimes they don’t. Too honest. Too real. Too brutal. Too intense. Oops. Anxiety. I am exhausted anyway. My body cannot follow my brain. So, my body crashes but my brain stays more alive than ever. What is sleep? Ouuuh work. But? I am dying. Nope. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Work. Not enough. Work harder. Do more. You gonna die soon. You almost did. 3 times. Canyoning is fun. No time to waste. People are dying. People are suffering. Am I? Do something. Create. Put it out there. And here we are. Ideas. Ideas. Ideas. Tornado. I am a creative tornado. An idea machine. 10000km/h. And I go for it. Fear? What’s that. I know what I want. No room left for fear. Do I really know? I still try. “You can’t”. Bullshit. Endless opportunities. Endless possibilities. I will get it right. What do I have to lose? Nada. At worst back to the starting point. Try again. Again. Again. Restless. Learn. Learn. Learn. I am curious. I want to know everything. Can I? That’s fine. I do so much. Woohou it’s amazing. Never enough. And then frustration. Shit why is everyone so SLOW. Maybe I am the one who’s going too fast? No way. It can’t. I am at a normal pace. Speed it up people!!! I am not a tyrant, promise. I just get a tiny bit upset when things are not done at my speed. So, whenever I can I will do them myself or find another way. Unfortunately, it’s not always possible. So, I will wait. Probably the only thing that I managed to control in this chaos. Working with others. Need to choose them carefully tho. But, it works out. I love it. 2 brains better than one. Inspiration. More creation. Better creation. Fascinating. In the meantime, bitcoin. One of my many obsessions. Oh yeah, I obsess over things. Not sure what, why or how. When will it end? 1 hour? 10 days? 1 month? Ask my uni friends. Bitcoin. Good times. Oh, and puzzles. I love puzzles. Not the ones you buy in a box. That’s boring. Needs too much focus. Real life puzzles are the best. You ever have a problem? Call me. I will find you at least 10 different solutions. I love it. It’s exciting. Euphoria. Dopamine. Happiness. Solving problems makes me happy. Weird. I know. What can I say? I need the rush. My brain needs the rush. I am bored of most things. Intrigue. Mystery. Cracking codes. Challenges. More. More. More. Give me more of that. I live for that shit. Everything has a solution. I love finding it. Positivity. Sunshine. Always. Too much? Life is beautiful. Here you have it. Could never say all of this out loud because you know, communication. Although, I love public speaking. Weird. You would love to see me on stage. In the meantime, here it is. All in writing. Not all. A peek into my brain. And probably to yours. You’d be surprised. I was.

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